What Do You Do When Sex Hurts?
Fibromyalgia. MS. Migraines. Chronic fatigue. Chronic pain. Back problems. Even pregnancy. All these things can cause us to feel horrible and definitely impacts libido!
Both of you require the other to give something that seems too large to give. Don’t just give inGiving in is not the answer. The answer is a significant change of mindset. This change of mindset will aid in moving toward oneness, true intimacy.First, let me give a little background on a woman’s sex drive. Women function largely in our minds. In order for us to become aroused, our minds have to be engaged. Men aren’t like that. Men are very body-focused, so for them to be ready to go, they don’t have to think much at all. Because we are mostly in our mind, we are also extremely prone to distraction. If a stray thought comes into our mind, we can lose any amount of arousal we feel. Thus, the “not tonight, honey, because I have a headache” is very real for most women. When we are feeling pain, it’s extremely hard to get in the mood because something else is intruding.Sex can actually help with physical painNevertheless, that’s often the best treatment. Researchers have found that one of the best cures for a migraine is sex. The sudden release and euphoria often stops the pain, and frequent sex seems to prevent them. So even though it’s counterintuitive, sex often helps with headaches.The same is true with other kinds of muscle pain. Sex allows muscles to relax, and is a tremendous physical boost. And it helps you sleep better!I know it’s hard to see it like that when you’re in pain, but pray that God will show you that sex can be something that helps with pain and exhaustion, not something that can contribute to it. When sex becomes all about something you do for him, it’s a chore, and it’s only going to contribute to your pain and your exhaustion. When sex, on the other hand, becomes something you can share which can help you relax and help you feel less pain, then you’ve got a stake in it, too.
The key is to get to the point where you can actually physically enjoy sex when your body itself is in great discomfort and very tense. Instead of looking on it as a chore, though, why not look on it as a challenge as a couple? It may be that you need to spend a lot of time relaxing first, in a hot bath together, or with a massage. You may need to work at finding a position that feels the most comfortable for you. You may even need to work at achieving orgasm for you some other way than intercourse (even if he achieves orgasm through intercourse), since it’s orgasm that’s most likely to help you relax.Explain to your husband that you want to see if you can start connecting physically and sexually so that you feel better together, but also so that your body finds new ways to relax and get some sleep. That means that sex has to be something, for you, that is gentle, drawn out, and low-pressure. But it also means that, for him, it is something that should be rather frequent. It means that he’s going to have to learn a lot of foreplay, and learn to do a lot of massage. But the good part is that you get to connect a lot more and feel a lot more intimate.
Maybe with this being a new year you can try to turn over a new leaf and pray that God will help you see sex differently, as a potential to make you feel more physically safe and comfortable, and more intimate with your husband.And perhaps, instead of sex being something you fight over, sex can become something which helps both of you feel better!Have you ever struggled with pain? How did you resolve it as a couple? Share in the comments below.